"Murphy's Law" or "Go Go Gadget Mayhem Arms"

"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong." - Murphy's Law

Murphy must have had twins.

I've learned to never underestimate the length of a baby's arms. Measured scientifically using instruments approved by whatever body governs the uniformity of measuring standards (gee whiz, that job must be a laugh a minute), our boys' arms are approximately 10.5" long. Do not let this fool you. Their bodies have an elasticity to rival that of Reed Richards or Inspector Gadget. If there is a plate on a table, they will reach it. If there is a phone on a shelf, they will get to it. If there is anything you think is safe, it is not. Babies are natural agents of entropy. Given sufficient time and lack of supervision they would reduce even the great Library of Congress, a bastion of order and efficiency, to nothing more than a homogeneous mass of paper pulp, leather bindings, and librarians' tears.

Knowing this, the best piece of advice I could give a prospective parent to prepare them for twins who crawl would be the following schedule:

6:30am Wake up and begin to pull out everything you own. Lay it all out in a chaotic mess until you can no longer see your floor.

12:00pm Continue pulling everything out of every cupboard, closet, and drawer lower than 5' off the ground. Don't forget food and drinks that may be in your fridge or pantry.

7:30pm Clean it all up.

The main thing to remember is that you did this to yourself and you have no one else to blame. You will get no sympathy and you deserve none. Any joys to be had will have to carry you from day to day as you fondly remember what life used to be and hope that it will once again be as it was.

Of course, if you have children you'll know that despite all of the hardship, the tears, the chaos, and the bodily fluids, despite all of the noise, the mess, the frustration, and the lost sleep, despite all of that there's something wonderful in a child's smile, something magical in a child's laugh that makes it all worth it. You'll see that smile, you'll hear that laugh and you'll not only survive another day, you'll be thanking God for letting you be a part of it all.