The English language is filled with nuance. Subtleties abound and are frequently overlooked. You can either say "I suppose you'll need help moving," or instead you can say "Let me help you move!" Both accomplish the same goal but they approach it very differently, one being cold and reluctant, the other being warm and enthusiastic. Learning English must be a difficult process because of these subtleties. I was blessed to be born a native speaker of English and so for most of my life I took this type of thing for granted. I served a two-year mission in Mexico, which gave me the opportunity to learn Spanish and gave me another perspective on my native language as they share many common root words and colloquial structures. A college education furthered my appreciation for language and gave me something of a sense of mastery. I felt able to bend the language to my will. I could wield syntax and semantics like sword and shield. My prowess was firmly established and widely known.
Then I got married.
Married men will understand what I mean when I say that women (wives, specifically) do not speak the same language we've been taught all our lives. Of course the vocabulary and structure are the same, but if a woman speaks and all a man hears is her words then that man quickly finds himself on a dangerous path. Women use words like a magician uses smoke and mirrors; what's on the surface is nothing compared to what lies just beneath it. Misdirection and obfuscation are second nature. The simplest actions or gestures are laden with worlds of meaning that aren't made explicit by the words being spoken. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I say a look from a woman is worth a million pictures. The funny thing is they don't even realize they're doing it because other women speak the same language.
There have been many commentaries on this phenomenon by hundreds, probably thousands of stand-up comedians over the years. One of my favorites is by Irish comedian Dylan Moran. He says:
“If a woman friend of yours says, ‘I’m just going to go and see so and so, in the café and I’ll be back in a little bit’ and they come back and you say, ‘how was so and so?’ And she says ‘oh, she’s not so good… early onset diabetes… and she’s having an affair, which is, you know, complex. And eh there’s a very good chance she’s going to lose her job as well.’ And you say, ‘what? That’s incredible. You found all that out in 15 minutes, she told you all this?’ “Oh no, she didn't say anything… but she didn't finish her tea."
Then I got married.
Married men will understand what I mean when I say that women (wives, specifically) do not speak the same language we've been taught all our lives. Of course the vocabulary and structure are the same, but if a woman speaks and all a man hears is her words then that man quickly finds himself on a dangerous path. Women use words like a magician uses smoke and mirrors; what's on the surface is nothing compared to what lies just beneath it. Misdirection and obfuscation are second nature. The simplest actions or gestures are laden with worlds of meaning that aren't made explicit by the words being spoken. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I say a look from a woman is worth a million pictures. The funny thing is they don't even realize they're doing it because other women speak the same language.
There have been many commentaries on this phenomenon by hundreds, probably thousands of stand-up comedians over the years. One of my favorites is by Irish comedian Dylan Moran. He says:
“If a woman friend of yours says, ‘I’m just going to go and see so and so, in the café and I’ll be back in a little bit’ and they come back and you say, ‘how was so and so?’ And she says ‘oh, she’s not so good… early onset diabetes… and she’s having an affair, which is, you know, complex. And eh there’s a very good chance she’s going to lose her job as well.’ And you say, ‘what? That’s incredible. You found all that out in 15 minutes, she told you all this?’ “Oh no, she didn't say anything… but she didn't finish her tea."
As opposed to a man's experience, which, to paraphrase the great Brian Regan, could find two men sharing a golf cart for four hours without finding out anything about one another aside from the fact that one of them got a new driver.
I've come to appreciate the differences between a man's and woman's method of communication over the last six or so years. Ok, maybe "appreciate" is the wrong word. It would be more apt to say I've become aware of these differences. When I was living in Mexico with various mission companions or at college with assorted roommates it was all very simple. When we wanted to communicate something, we would say it. With words. "It's your turn to take out the trash." "Your dishes are beginning to stink." "Quit leaving your underwear on the table or I'm going to put them in the toilet." Simple, straightforward, and unambiguous. Marriage has added layers of complexity I'd never before dreamed of.
One of these layers is the use of the word "we." Google's online definition tool gives the basic meaning of the word "we" as: "used by a speaker to refer to himself or herself and one or more other people considered together." (emphasis mine) There is, of course, also the "royal we" wherein the speaker refers to him- or herself in the plural as in "We are not amused." Both of these, however, include the speaker in the group being referenced. This stands in direct opposition to my wife's uses of the word "we" in the following contexts:
"We should take out the garbage."
"We really need to do dishes."
"We should clean the boys' room."
"We need to run to the store for more paprika."
In each of these cases the word "we" is being used as what I've come to call the "'We' with a capital 'J.'" That "J" stands for me, Jesse. It's become a running joke in our household. Ok, maybe "joke" is the wrong word. It would be more apt to say it's become a running tool for husband control in our household. I'll hear something like "We need to vacuum." I'll respond with, "We?" Danielle, without missing a beat, will simply say "With a capital 'J,' of course." I knew what she meant the first time, but it has become a part of my life's work to teach at least one woman on this planet how to simplify her speech down to her husband's level so he can process her requests with his dumb little husband brain. It's not that difficult to communicate with men. All we ask is that when you want something, you say it. Tell us, ask us, email, text, or blog post. It doesn't matter as long as what you're thinking in your head makes it across the room to us in the most direct way possible. That's been a tough battle, but Danielle has made great strides.
To be fair, my wife is the most amazing woman I've ever met. Ever. Period. I'm lucky to be allowed on the same continent with her, so I don't want anyone to misinterpret my maniacal ravings for anything even approaching displeasure. She's made me a better man than I could have ever become without her and I hope every day to come closer to deserving to be with her. I do, however, recall Jane Goodall learning to communicate with primates in order to understand them better, which holds parallels to my previously stated life's work. Just because she's better and more advanced doesn't mean the primates will learn how to clean the bathroom without being asked three times.
I did find it interesting, though, that after the common and royal usages of the word "we," Google listed a third meaning that fits this context perfectly: "used condescendingly to refer to the person being addressed, as in 'how are we today?'" Danielle is no more condescending to me than Jane Goodall was to the apes she loved so dearly all her life.
But it is interesting, though...
Now, as a bonus for making it to the end of this ridiculous missive, here's a clip of Dylan Moran with another dead-on observation on the differences between men and women.
