I feel like I'm in a rut lately. I'm at a loss of words and don't even know how to describe my feelings. So I'm sure this will turn into some sort of rant. I'll apologize now.
I can't seem to find creative things to blog about. Perhaps that's directly related to not doing creative things in our life. I feel like I do pretty well as a mom of twins but we're in a safe bubble inside our house. It's hard to go out and do things with two very active toddlers by myself. Especially now that the heat is setting in and a lot of activities are water based which only stresses me out entirely. It's just easier to stay home. But sometimes I get lonely.
I used to consider myself a social person and someone who was able to make friends pretty easily and was always up for anything. Lately though, I feel isolated. Most likely self-induced, but isolated none-the-less. I feel like I lack deep meaningful relationships with people. I don't even get superficial conversations at church now that I have a calling in the Primary {which I do love so I hate to complain about that}. Plus we can't seem to even hear a word spoken in church or stay in a classroom any more anyway so it's more just surviving church than anything else right now. {Only 3 1/2 more months until nursery and you better believe we are counting down!}
My boys have been particularly challenging for me the last week or so while they climb all over our house, have been increasingly fussy (awful ones anyone?), beg to be held at all the busiest moments, are learning to steal toys as well as knock the other one down, and seem just plain disobedient. I thought even though I have no friends, I was at least a good mom, but I've started to question even that these days! Motherhood is tough! I thought I wanted a whole house full of children but my patience is being tried and my smile is wearing thin with just the two hooligans I have.
Thankfully work rolls around once a week and gives me a break in monotony as well as a chance to associate with people. I've even wondered if I need to go back to work more. Am I just plateauing right now and need an additional challenge? Spending time in my patients' rooms and building a relationship, albeit a quick one, is rewarding. It's by far my favorite part of my job. So why do I struggle to do that in my real life? Am I just rude, or judgmental, or unlikable, or look like I'm a grump? I hope not. I don't want to be!
Jesse is by far my best friend. He gets me. He probably understands me better than I could ever understand myself, and he fulfills my social needs a lot of the time. Except for the fact that he works, a lot. And thinks he needs alone time every once in awhile. Alone time. I wonder what that's like? But when I am with him, everything is right in the world. I definitely made a good choice when I married that man.
So I guess the question boils down to, who am I? Do I have an identity anymore? I'm a wife, sure. A mother, most definitely. A nurse, occasionally. A Mormon, yes. Am I anything else?
I want to be a sewer, a DIY-er, a fitness enthusiast, a chef, a friend, someone in tune with others' needs, a master of my scriptures, or a hundred more things. But in actuality, do I need to be ALL those things? What really matters? Am I doing OK with what I'm doing now? Does anyone else ever feel this way? Do you get stuck in a rut occasionally? Do you feel like you are lonely and have no friends, your children consume your time, brain power, and energy, and at the end of the day you're too tired to even care that you don't talk to anyone but your mom anymore? I hope I'm not the only one.
Ok end rant. Honestly, I think just complaining a little bit makes me feel better. Believe it or not, life is not always perfect, but tomorrow is another day.
I can't seem to find creative things to blog about. Perhaps that's directly related to not doing creative things in our life. I feel like I do pretty well as a mom of twins but we're in a safe bubble inside our house. It's hard to go out and do things with two very active toddlers by myself. Especially now that the heat is setting in and a lot of activities are water based which only stresses me out entirely. It's just easier to stay home. But sometimes I get lonely.
I used to consider myself a social person and someone who was able to make friends pretty easily and was always up for anything. Lately though, I feel isolated. Most likely self-induced, but isolated none-the-less. I feel like I lack deep meaningful relationships with people. I don't even get superficial conversations at church now that I have a calling in the Primary {which I do love so I hate to complain about that}. Plus we can't seem to even hear a word spoken in church or stay in a classroom any more anyway so it's more just surviving church than anything else right now. {Only 3 1/2 more months until nursery and you better believe we are counting down!}
My boys have been particularly challenging for me the last week or so while they climb all over our house, have been increasingly fussy (awful ones anyone?), beg to be held at all the busiest moments, are learning to steal toys as well as knock the other one down, and seem just plain disobedient. I thought even though I have no friends, I was at least a good mom, but I've started to question even that these days! Motherhood is tough! I thought I wanted a whole house full of children but my patience is being tried and my smile is wearing thin with just the two hooligans I have.
Thankfully work rolls around once a week and gives me a break in monotony as well as a chance to associate with people. I've even wondered if I need to go back to work more. Am I just plateauing right now and need an additional challenge? Spending time in my patients' rooms and building a relationship, albeit a quick one, is rewarding. It's by far my favorite part of my job. So why do I struggle to do that in my real life? Am I just rude, or judgmental, or unlikable, or look like I'm a grump? I hope not. I don't want to be!
Jesse is by far my best friend. He gets me. He probably understands me better than I could ever understand myself, and he fulfills my social needs a lot of the time. Except for the fact that he works, a lot. And thinks he needs alone time every once in awhile. Alone time. I wonder what that's like? But when I am with him, everything is right in the world. I definitely made a good choice when I married that man.
So I guess the question boils down to, who am I? Do I have an identity anymore? I'm a wife, sure. A mother, most definitely. A nurse, occasionally. A Mormon, yes. Am I anything else?
I want to be a sewer, a DIY-er, a fitness enthusiast, a chef, a friend, someone in tune with others' needs, a master of my scriptures, or a hundred more things. But in actuality, do I need to be ALL those things? What really matters? Am I doing OK with what I'm doing now? Does anyone else ever feel this way? Do you get stuck in a rut occasionally? Do you feel like you are lonely and have no friends, your children consume your time, brain power, and energy, and at the end of the day you're too tired to even care that you don't talk to anyone but your mom anymore? I hope I'm not the only one.
Ok end rant. Honestly, I think just complaining a little bit makes me feel better. Believe it or not, life is not always perfect, but tomorrow is another day.
Yes to all of your questions at the end! I take comfort in the whole "to everything there is a season" philosophy and think that at different stages in life we'll be able to do some or all of those other things we want or think we should do! It's rough some days but it sounds to me like you are doing awesome already. I love how you look for the good and cute and fun in your every-day situations. That small practice will carry you through the harder times, so keep at it!
ReplyDeleteLove, Uncle Monkey
The age your boys are at right now is the hardest, I think! I also think you are starting to experience a lot of what it is like just to have two kids, not just having twins.
ReplyDeleteI,maybe, wouldn't call this a rut, but life as a Mom! I think this is the biggest challenge: finding joy in the mundane routine. Yes, it is lonely. Yes, it is hard. Yes, sometimes you don't leave the house for days. Yes, you lose yourself and friendships suffer.
Yes, my mom is usually the only person I talk to. Yes, my husband is gone from before the sun is up and gets home after 9pm. And it is hard to drag more than one kid anywhere and wrangle them while there. Shopping carts do not accommodate!
Have you tried going to library toddler story times?! I love them! Air conditioned and fun. Also, splash pads are the easiest water activity for me since there are not pools of water around. You are more than welcome anytime to bring the boys over and run through the sprinkler!!
You are human...I think of you more as a super hero. All your thoughts sound so familiar. I remember those feelings. Twins are fun and magical and very hard at time. Remember my picture over the table, it was placed there by me, for me. You are doing great! I promise you will find yourself again and you will be even more awesome than you already are because of your love and dedication to your two little fellows. I have learned and grown far more from what you kids taught me than what I taught you guys. Oh and the best thing of all...Remember, the sun will always come out. You are doing enough. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteOh lady, I'm right there with you! I seriously feel exactly the same way. It's so frustrating and exhausting. I don't have any magical words of advice, or anything comforting to say. Sorry, I wish I did. Just know that you aren't alone in how you feel. (And you know what? I think you are a freaking amazing person)
ReplyDelete