Birth Story Woes

It's not that I'm ashamed I had a cesarean section. My OBGYN recommended it while I was pregnant with my twins and at the time it felt like a good decision for us. Having identical twins put them and me at a higher risk for potential complications, and it felt good to know that I had a doctor who liked to minimize risks and play it safe with the welfare of my unborn children. Especially with the potential gamble of having a vaginal delivery of one baby followed by an emergency C-Section for the other, I was willing to follow her recommendation.

But now I find I feel excluded in birth story conversations. You know, the stories where people talked about how long they were in labor, what they were dilated to when they were admitted, how long it took to progress to a 10, and how long or how many pushes it took to birth their newborn baby. I didn't have any of that. Being a nurse, and just plain fascinated with the birthing experience, I of course know the process and wish on a daily basis that I could work in the mother/baby realm someday. I simply love babies and find the human body amazing.

Because of this, I find myself wanting to contribute to the birth story conversations but I don't know what to say. Sure I've seen a few births, in fact the first one I watched made me cry. It was amazing. I know the theory behind having a baby, I just haven't done it. At least not in the conventional way. People don't seem to care about C-Section birth stories. I have been asked several times how I delivered or if I had to be induced and when I say I had a C-Section all I get in response is "ohhhh..." and the conversation quickly moves on. In my experience, the people who pushed for 5 hours or sneezed a baby out usually still think their way was SO MUCH BETTER than having a C-section. I don't know if women are scared of them or what but they make it sound like they would rather give up their right arm than have a C-section.

Sure, a C-section was not necessarily my first birthing method choice, but it is the choice I was given by my physician, whom I loved. And shoot, there are some huge benefits to knowing exactly when you are having a baby. My husband treated me to a giant steak dinner the night before I became a mother. It was heavenly. I was able to prepare mentally and physically for their arrival because I knew the exact day and roughly the time they would arrive a week before they came. I got a great night's sleep, woke up to the sound of my alarm instead of a stabbing contraction, took a shower, took pictures, and arrived at the hospital at our scheduled time. We joked with the pre-op nurse, I laughed at my husband all gowned up, and I walked into the operating room. Everything was relaxed and yet I was making the biggest transition in life, into the role of a mother.

A curtain was drawn up over my face so my husband I carried on our own conversation while the doctors and nurses had theirs. And then our worlds collided when we heard a cry. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard and we both turned into a mess of tears. It was amazing, miraculous, and spiritual. It was our babies' birthday. Everything went flawlessly. I had perfect two babies, my recovery went remarkably well, and a very small scar is the only evidence that it even happened. And honestly, the miracle of modern medicine very well may be the only reason I still have two healthy babies. For that I am eternally grateful.

{I}

{B} 

Then why do I feel so left out when I tell people I had a C-section?

I just finally realized why the other day, nearly 20 months after it happened. It was the disconnect I experienced. While the whole situation was very controlled, it was out my MY control. And I know my situation was different than your average mother, having premature twins, but I would think other C-sec moms have some similar feelings. While others talk about birthing their baby, having their husband cut the cord, and immediately snuggling their newborn into their chest, I simply heard a scream, kissed each of my babies' cheeks, and they were whisked away, not to be seen again until the next day. I barely had a chance to see them, let alone touch them. I could hear what was going on and knew the process, but I couldn't see any of it. They still didn't feel like mine.

And while I know they needed the extra help breathing and we will be forever grateful for the wonderful NICU nurses, it still didn't make it any easier to be apart from my boys. I wanted to bond with them and smell the scent of heaven that lingered on their skin. I wanted to snuggle, kiss, and simply stare at the babies my husband and I had created and I had carried for 36 weeks. Instead I had to do everything in my power not to cough or sneeze, have help to get out of bed, and then walk down the hallway to visit my babies. 

One advantage I found, is the bond that my husband got to have with our babies after their birth. He was the first one to hold them, touch them, and stare at all their tiny features. He was able to follow them straight from the delivery room into the NICU and popped in and out for the rest of the evening, always returning with vivid descriptions, new pictures, and a radiating love. It was amazing watching him become a father, but I remained stuck in my hospital bed trying to wake up my legs and quit itching enough to go visit my boys. 

{First diaper change}

{One of the first feedings}

While my C-section does not make me any less of a mother, nor is it less of a delivery, (in fact I would be bold enough to say it is quite the opposite as it is major surgery) deep down, I want the experience that comes with a vaginal delivery. I want to feel connected to my child as I help them enter the world and feel the weight of their little body on my chest. I want my husband to cut the umbilical cord, and I want to keep my baby with me instead of down the hall. I want the waiting game of "is this it?" with every contraction and I want to feel more in control of the delivery. I want that magical experience that only a mother knows. 

I know it may not happen, and it very well may be another C-section in my future (down the road, of course), and if that is the case then so be it. I will happily take a healthy baby over any delivery delusion I may have, but a girl can dream, can't she? And maybe those of you who swear your vaginal delivery was absolutely magical, with angels singing and all that jazz, could go ahead and cut us jealous c-sectioners a break and share your stories a little shorter and quieter? Or maybe even ask more questions about my delivery. It's not that I don't like to hear your story, it's quite the opposite in fact, I love to hear it too much. They make me feel bad, and that's not what I want. I want to celebrate motherhood in all its various forms and I want to feel proud that I was able to carry and deliver two perfectly healthy babies, whatever the method may be. 

Dancing Like Daddy

These boys love their dad.

And I love their interpretation of how their daddy dances!

These three crack me up!

I Walked On The Moon...

These littles found some Tupperware space helmets the other day. 

We couldn't help but laugh.

And neither could they!

{B}

{I}                   {B} 

{I}                  {B}      

{I} 

Mattress Jumping

Because Jesse is a cool dad, he had the idea to pull out the boys' mattresses and let them jump off the ottoman. It turned hilarious and lasted for at least a half hour. I couldn't believe their stamina! They had so much fun. It's no wonder why they love their dad!

{I in solid, B in stripes}

We loved how Ian would take time getting all situated before jumping but Briggs would just go flying off without a second thought! Too funny!

Things I love: Nineteen Months

{As of Oct. 28}
Yes I'm behind and the blog has been more neglected than I would like.
It might be like that for awhile.

Nineteen months is a hoot!
Especially with these crazy kids.
I can't get enough.

{B}                     {I}

{I}           {B}

{I}                 {B} 

{B}         {I} 

{B} 

{B}            {I}

{I}          {B}

Ian

Ian is such a joy to be around. He is very independent, cute around other kids, still loves stairs, and cries on his way to nursery. He loves to wander around the house doing his own thing but also seems to be the leader when he and Briggs are together. He instigates games, particularly when they roam around the circle, is quick to laugh, and makes super cute faces all the time. He is usually the more calm and easy of the two and gets neglected more because he is content to do his own thing. He is just so darn sweet.

And seriously, I tried really hard to take pictures of these children but this was the best I could get.

It's very indicative of how they are right now though. 

{Update: We went for a Sunday afternoon walk and I took my camera and captured a few more pictures! Ian just kept trying to run away but I finally pinned him down for a few pictures

Just ignore the trail of leftover soda on his chin, his slightly goobery nose, and of course the fact that he only seemed to want his tongue out.}

1. Loves wearing hats.

And does this adorable cock of his head.

2. Is awesome at stacking blocks. He has gotten up to eight high!
He also squats like this a lot.

3. Our checkbook has become one of his favorite toys as of late.

 

4. Out of his two blankets, the blue one is his favorite.

5. He always tries to hold lots of things in one hand. Sometimes it's his silverware, sometimes it's socks, sometimes it's cars, etc. but whatever it is, he always wants one more than he can hold in that one hand. It is really frustrating to him but he keeps trying to do it anyway.

6. Has a quiet voice. He talks a little quieter and doesn't shout nearly as often as Briggs does. 

7. He has decided that signing is for the birds. He sometimes signs "more" or "all done" or "milk" and usually does "please" and "thank you" but he just doesn't care to do many signs. He usually gets what he wants through grunting, pointing, and ahhhh-ing. 

8. He is so ticklish! And he has the best belly laugh to go with it.

9. He Mowgli walks around our apartment and can go pretty fast!

10. He still loves dancing to the beat of the washing machine.

11. He loves climbing into the sink. If I haven't heard from him in a minute or two, I know to check the bathroom sink.

12. When I clean his face after he eats, he always shakes his head into the rag.

13. He always chooses the second high chair and cries if Briggs gets in it first. But he is somewhat easy to please because if Briggs does crawl in first, we can just switch the chairs positions and then he's fine. 

{B}                  {I}

{I}

I don't know what was with his funny little smirk but he wouldn't stop doing it! 

14. Lays down randomly and just basks in the comfort of the floor. A lot of times while snuggling his blanket.

Briggs

Briggs is my little tag-a-long. He loves to be held, is very snuggly, loves his brother, cracks me up (and drives me nuts) on a daily basis. He is considerate of others' feelings and needs and tries to help when he can. He is fascinated by dogs, babies, birds, and airplanes and loves to point them out. He is also obsessed with helping cook which makes for some tricky cooking. He throws tantrums and usually whacks his head on the floor or his hand when he gets frustrated.

Once again, this is as good as it gets with this hooligan. 

19 months is rough on pictures.

{Briggs was slightly more cooperative at holding still on our walk, but he didn't love looking at the camera.}

1. Without fail, whenever Briggs is in his crib and is done with something, he throws it into Ian's crib. This could be his pillow, sippy cup, book, or blanket. If you can't find it, look in Ian's crib. Heck, just look in there first if you gave something to Briggs.

2. Is such a mama's boy. Although he loves his dad as well and loves to wrestle and play when daddy is done with work. (which makes for some Ian-Mama bonding time) I think he just likes to have a buddy while Ian is more content to do his own thing. Briggs is always on my hip when I'm in the kitchen or sitting on my lap when we play in the front room.

3. He is a little (or maybe a lot) OCD. He always wants things in order and hands everything to me. He is still especially obsessed with closing the flash on the camera and he always hands me my phone.


4. His OCD transfers over to meal time as well. He is constantly putting whatever I gave him into the cup holder. He does like his tray to be clean whenever possible, will not sit down if there is anything on his chair, and gives a little holler when he drops food on his shirt or down his side.


4. Shares things with Ian when asked. He will take a snack or toys or whatever it may be to Ian.

5. He thrives with sign language and learns new things all the time. He signs "more," "all done," "please," "thank you," "bird," "treat," "clean up," "book," "shoes," "baby," "dog," "read," "fish," "milk," "water," "help" and is putting two or three signs in a row to form a sentence such as signing "milk please" or "help please." (I guess it's mostly adding please to what he wants but it still counts!)

6. Briggs definitely knows what "all done" means and always signs it when he is done with his food. When he signs it, we quickly clean him up and get him out of his high chair. He then likes to climb back up into his chair a few minutes later and sign all done again. Silly kid.

7. He has to point out everything that he sees. Airplanes, pictures on the TV, any animals he sees, and pretty much anything else. He hollers until I acknowledge what he is showing me.

8. He can't figure out the Mowgli walk. When Ian starts Mowgli walking, Briggs just crawls on his hands and knees.

9. He asks for treats/snacks all day long.

10. He absolutely loves snuggling with Ian. He comes up behind him often and gives him a big hug or lays on top of him when he's on the floor. He's also very conscious of other's needs. Usually he's pretty good at give toys or snacks to Ian to make him feel better and gets a big sad face if he sees that Ian is sad.

 {I on top}     {B on bottom}

{I}    {B} 

 {I}     {B} 

{B on top, I on bottom} 

11. He has a louder voice by nature and if you ask him to whisper he usually shouts instead.

12. The back of the couch has become his favorite way to get down despite our best efforts to redirect to the front of the couch. I don't know who this crazy child belongs to! (OK so if you ask my mom you'll know he belongs to me, but it doesn't make him any less crazy!)

13. His hemagioma that showed up shortly after he was born is starting to disappear. It's pretty much flush with the rest of his skin and quickly fading. I guess the "fail-safe" of knowing who is who is going to be gone before we know it! Actually Briggs does have a couple of cute little moles (one on the back of his left leg and one on his hip) so we are still good. I have yet to find any moles or birth marks on Ian.

14. Loves to look at the camera on my phone and make faces at himself.

Both

1. They absolutely love being held together. They both start giggling when I pick them up at the same time.

2. They love flipping light switches.


And those two worlds combine in the bathroom when I can hold both of them and let them each flip a light switch! It's only the greatest thing ever.

3. They always want to dance to the music at the end of Frozen and The Lorax. Usually they want to be held while I dance them around the room. Preferably together. My arms get a little tired by the end!

4. They both know exactly two words besides Mama and Dada. Chhhhhzzzzz with a raspy garble in the back of their throats (aka cheese) and no (usually in a nononono format)

5. They seem to eat left handed more than not. I know there's still lots of time for that to change but I still wouldn't be surprised if they turn out to be left handed. 

6. Our nightly routine includes changing into pajamas, acquiring the various snuggly items they prefer, milk, brushing teeth, kisses/tickles from mama and daddy, prayer, (they both fold their arms and raise their arms to cover their faces. I think they get that from us kneeling at the side of their cribs and putting our faces on our folded arms. haha!) and lights out. Usually they are awesome at going to bed without any problem. It's keeping them asleep that is a challenge. Briggs has been sleeping pretty well lately but Ian has been up 2-4 times a night for some random reason.

Sometimes our nightly routine turns hilarious though and it becomes worth documenting.

7. They love playing with the camera on my phone when I do it forward facing so they can see themselves. They make faces and love to watch their lips and tongues move! It cracks me up.

8. These two monkeys love to crawl back and shake the cord to our video monitor in their room. It is not so good because it's scraping up our wall where the monitor plug is plugged into the extension cord but obviously they don't care.

9. Carnations have been a favorite snack lately.

10. With Fall, we have started wearing socks and shoes. The boys look ridiculously cute in their socks but they do slip and fall in the kitchen. Which is also cute. I might laugh at them occasionally.

 

11. The boys love riding on my back. We spend a lot of time laughing with this.

12. They like packing around shirts on hangers. I'm not quite sure why.

13. We spend a lot of time sitting on our kitchen floor. They like to drink from cups, eat snacks, and pull all the hand towels off the oven.

14. They like to be together. Ian crawled into this bin and Briggs immediately followed and sat opposite him but decided that wasn't good enough and quickly turned around to sit right next to him. My mama heart swelled with the cuteness.

{B brought the treats and I brought the smile!}

15. They share this Peek-A-Who book back and forth all day. They love kissing the mirror at the end.

16. They are obsessed with the space between the furnace and the door.