New Parent FAQ

This is a list of questions we're asked by everyone who finds out we just had babies. It is by no means exhaustive. In lieu of answering these questions I've considered printing this out and taping it to the back of my head so people can read it while I catch a 5-minute nap.

How are you sleeping?

- We're not. I think you already knew that, but asking seems to be required. Whether or not you have kids, you're at least familiar with the idea of parenthood, and should know better than to bring it up. Yeah, go ask that homeless guy when was the last time he ate steak. See?

How's Mom doing?

- Mom's doing great. My wife is also doing well, thanks for asking. See, new titles take a while to settle into, and calling my wife "Mom" out of the blue is somewhat akin to me making up a nickname for you, then addressing you with it immediately. "Hey, Shrimpy! I'm gonna call you Shrimpy from now on. So, Shrimpy, how are you sleeping?" Weird, yes?

How's the baby?

- In our case, "babeeez," with the requisite falling inflection on the second syllable. Babeeez are doing well. They're adorable, they sleep most of the time, and they defecate with wild abandon. An infant's life is pretty much the best thing ever. 

Do you have help?

- Yes, we have help. Notice the lower-case "h" implying their unpaid status. Momma Dorius just flew out, Momma Rich is about to fly in, Auntie Mindy is soon to follow. Yes, we have help, and we're very appreciative of the fiscal savings afforded us by the avoidance of the need for Help.

Do you have meals coming?

- Yes, we've been very fortunate in the response from our ward. Food tastes better when it's made by someone else. It tastes doubly sweet when it is also free. The generosity of those around us in giving of their time and substance has put us in the red in our karmic account. We've withdrawn more than we've deposited, but we plan to right the situation soon. By my estimation I need to help 6 people move and cook around a dozen meals just to break even. This is the part where you all submit recipe ideas. No more than 3 ingredients and/or two mixing bowls needed. Seriously, we just had twins.

Do you get time off from work?

- Here's the thing: As the guy who makes the schedule I could take off all the time I wanted. In fact my boss has expressed her surprise at how much I've been present at work. However, as mentioned above, we have help right now. Were I to take a whole bunch of time off while we have help, I would be forced to abandon my wife and our progeny in their moment of direst need, namely, when we haven't any help. So my plan is thus: Work now, work less later, then work more again until I die or retire, whichever comes first.

Will Danielle go back to work?

- Dunno. Ask her when she writes her FAQ. This one's mine.

Do twins run in your family?

- Yes. But here, try clicking this. EDIT: This answer came off a little snarkier than I intended. My real answer is usually a simple "Kinda, yeah." The long answer is, "Well, actually they're identical, and even though my mother-in-law gave birth to fraternal twins, identical twins are a total fluke caused by the spontaneous division of the zygote early in development with no possible genetic predisposition and occurring in equal proportions across all racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic demographics." You can see why I usually just reply with, "Kinda, yeah."

Are they "natural" twins?

- Yes. They are natural. That's their natural hair color, eye color, lips, nose, feet, sternum, and earlobe shape. Oh, you mean did we do IVF? No. If we could afford IVF, we could probably afford that capital "H" in Help.

So does twins mean you're done?

- Done? No. Wanting more? Ask me again at 3am.

So is Brigham a family name? (Mostly comes from people here in Texas)

- Uh, yeah. Sorta. I look forward to this question eventually being a good chance to bring up the Church, but not in the checkout line at the store. Things are awkward in those lines, and I'd hate for someone's first experience with the Church to be in Target talking to a guy whose only purchases were nursing pads and nipple cream.

I bet you're excited they're boys, Dad.

- Yes I am, Son. But not for the reasons you might think. As one of Danielle's friends, Lauren, put it, I now have my own little "ninja squad." Not that girls can't be cool, too. But come on.