When do I get my Dad Sneeze?
You know the one. That sneeze that all dads have. It's the one that scares the dog, wakes up the baby, and makes you wonder if he still has a face afterwards. I have yet to meet a dad that doesn't have his sneeze. It's a rite of passage, a mark of distinction. It's one thing that all dads have in common. I've met some new dads that are just growing into their sneeze, but you can always tell it's in the works.
Sometimes, if you listen carefully, you can even tell how many progeny a father has by the number of syllables in his sneeze. That's why some Grandpa Sneezes go on for hours.
"A-choo!"
Loudly enough, this marks the beginning of a Dad Sneeze. This sneezer may have a child, but also may just have allergies.
"Augh-bla-ptchoo!"
This sneeze is generally found in the fathers of budding families. Perhaps a toddler and a couple of elementary schoolers. It's born of the reflex necessary to clear the diaper-stench out of the nose in order to lead a normal life among humans.
"Uh-a-guh-blab-krtssssss-schtnoooooo!"
This Dad Sneeze is in full bloom. This guy has at least one teenager as well as a total disregard for the proper volume of bodily functions.
"Herg-flaughba-abububububu-gaha-gaha-gaha-scprtrschooooooo!"
This guy's a pro. He's either sending his last kid off to college, or welcoming his grandchildren into the world. At this point a sneeze isn't a physiological necessity, it's a territory marker. This sneeze tells the world "Don't screw with me cuz my belt ain't just fer holdin' up my pants."
My question now is, when do I get mine? My wife is pregnant with twins, so do I have to wait till they're born? I've been practicing, but to be honest it still feels forced. I've got a few different Sneezes I'm working on for the various situations in life. There's the polite, yet forceful Corporate Sneeze. The near-silent Prayer Sneeze. The full-body devil-may-care Outside Sneeze. I'm working on a new Airplane Sneeze that will both deter chatterboxes and claim that shared armrest. All these Sneezes, and yet I still don't have my Dad Sneeze.
Any fathers out there are welcome to share any advice they may have. For now, I guess I'll just keep practicing.
You know the one. That sneeze that all dads have. It's the one that scares the dog, wakes up the baby, and makes you wonder if he still has a face afterwards. I have yet to meet a dad that doesn't have his sneeze. It's a rite of passage, a mark of distinction. It's one thing that all dads have in common. I've met some new dads that are just growing into their sneeze, but you can always tell it's in the works.
Sometimes, if you listen carefully, you can even tell how many progeny a father has by the number of syllables in his sneeze. That's why some Grandpa Sneezes go on for hours.
"A-choo!"
Loudly enough, this marks the beginning of a Dad Sneeze. This sneezer may have a child, but also may just have allergies.
"Augh-bla-ptchoo!"
This sneeze is generally found in the fathers of budding families. Perhaps a toddler and a couple of elementary schoolers. It's born of the reflex necessary to clear the diaper-stench out of the nose in order to lead a normal life among humans.
"Uh-a-guh-blab-krtssssss-schtnoooooo!"
This Dad Sneeze is in full bloom. This guy has at least one teenager as well as a total disregard for the proper volume of bodily functions.
"Herg-flaughba-abububububu-gaha-gaha-gaha-scprtrschooooooo!"
This guy's a pro. He's either sending his last kid off to college, or welcoming his grandchildren into the world. At this point a sneeze isn't a physiological necessity, it's a territory marker. This sneeze tells the world "Don't screw with me cuz my belt ain't just fer holdin' up my pants."
My question now is, when do I get mine? My wife is pregnant with twins, so do I have to wait till they're born? I've been practicing, but to be honest it still feels forced. I've got a few different Sneezes I'm working on for the various situations in life. There's the polite, yet forceful Corporate Sneeze. The near-silent Prayer Sneeze. The full-body devil-may-care Outside Sneeze. I'm working on a new Airplane Sneeze that will both deter chatterboxes and claim that shared armrest. All these Sneezes, and yet I still don't have my Dad Sneeze.
Any fathers out there are welcome to share any advice they may have. For now, I guess I'll just keep practicing.
We laughed a lot and wondered if you shouldn't submit this to a parenting magazine...er, or at least a fathering magazine. You are a great writer, never stop.
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