There have been a few times in my twinning experience that you must get out of the house in a timely manner, instead of 3pm when it is actually doable. This is even more difficult by yourself when you are outnumbered. However I think I'm getting a system. Most recently I've found that 9am seems to be our lucky early number, so that will be our goal time for this example.
10pm (the night before) - You pack up your diaper bag with a day's worth of snacks, diapers, wipes, a change of clothes, a few toys, and anything else you might need for your outing. You also lay out your kids' clothes, socks, and shoes so you don't have to think in the morning. You also lay out your clothes so you don't waste time trying on 10 different outfits.
10:20pm - Make a list of everything you need to grab/do in the morning that couldn't be grabbed/done tonight. This includes things like getting sippy cups, snuggly things, breakfast, etc.
10:30pm - In bed with your alarm set for at least 2 hours before your scheduled departure time.
6:45am - The alarm goes off and your head pops off the pillow and you immediately say your prayers (because heaven knows you need the strength and patience to get through the busy morning.)
6:48am - You are in the shower before those kids of yours wake up.
7:00am - You are hopping out of the shower and into your pre selected clothes, doing your hair and makeup, and anything else you do in your morning routine. Make sure you are completely ready prior to waking the monsters (or if they are already awake, let them entertain themselves as long as humanly possible.)
7:45am - Get the crazies out of bed and change their diapers. DO NOT put them in clothes at this point. That's just asking for disaster.
8:00am - Consult the list you made last night so you remember what you're eating for breakfast. Fix whatever that is (preferably something quick like cold cereal or quick oatmeal, yogurt, string cheese, toast, etc.).
8:20am - Pull the kids out of their chairs and dress them in their adorably matching clothes.
8:30am - Goop their hair into mohawks and put shoes on.
8:35am - Clear off the table and put dishes in the dishwasher.
8:45am - Get your shoes on and put everyone's coats on.
8:47am - Take a picture of your cute children and prove how awesome you are. (Although you might be bribing your children with cameras and chapstick and they still take less than optimal pictures, this doesn't make you any less awesome.)
8:48am - Start heading to the car with kids and diaper bag in tow
8:55am - Everyone is strapped in and you're ready to go!
Of course, that's how it would go in a perfect world. Here's what really happens.
6:45am - Alarm goes off and you push snooze.
7:15am - You hear the kiddos starting to stir (earlier than they have woken up in the last week, of course) so you leap out of bed and rush into the shower wishing you would have gotten up when your alarm went off because you would already be done with your shower by now.
7:25am - Your kids have climbed out of their cribs and are banging on the door to get out. You are only half dressed from your shower but let them out anyway.
7:30am - You hurry and change diapers and start working on breakfast
7:50am - Put food in front of your children but expect them not to eat anything on their plate and instead demand all of your food. Because obviously the exact same food tastes better off your plate. I call this the Goldilocks effect.
8:15am - Start panicking because you are down to crunch time.
8:18am - Pull your children out of their chairs whether they have eaten or not because you remember you overpacked snacks and can feed them goldfish later. (Kids can survive on goldfish, right?)
8:22am - Chase the kids all over your house trying to force them into clothes. Just ignore the state of your kitchen. It can wait to be cleaned until you get home.
8:35am - Your kids are screaming, but they have clothes on so you grab the hair goo and throw their hair into a mohawk so it looks like you worked hard to make them look cute.
8:40am - You sit your children down and work on getting their shoes and socks on.
8:45am - You somehow got a few things done very efficiently and think you're actually going to make it, and then you smell the all too familiar stench of a dirty diaper.
8:48am - The smelly child is changed, but much to your dismay, the stench assaults your nostrils once again.
8:55am - Both children have been changed again, you have repacked the items the kids have pulled out of the diaper bag, and you start herding them to the car... right after you take a picture because you feel so accomplished, of course.
8:56am - One child runs amok in your car while you get the other one strapped despite the kicking, hollering, and standing in their chair.
8:58am - The other child gets strapped in.
8:59am - You remember three things you've already forgotten and run back in the house for them.
9:01am - You are finally ready to pull out....but wait, what is that smell??
And now, for dad's timetable.
7:00am - Sleep.
7:30am - Pretend you don't hear the kids waking up.
7:45am - Remember it's your day to watch them and their diapers aren't getting any fresher.
8:07am - Change diapers.
8:15am - Fix whatever for breakfast. They won't eat it anyway.
9:00am - Promise yourself that you'll do the dishes when they take their nap (AKA, the big lie). Put on a show.
11:45am - Ok, seriously now, just one more show.
12:00pm - Wrestle.
12:17pm (Or whenever the first one cries) - Lunch. Fix whatever's easiest to scrape off the floor.
1:00pm ON THE DOT - Naps.
1:05pm - Daddy naps.
3:00pm - Wake up. Change diapers.
3:15pm - Realize that was a dream. Wake up for real. Change real diapers.
3:30pm - OK FINE. ONE show.
5:30pm - Dinner. Fix whatever your wife won't hate coming home to.
6:30pm - Realize you forgot to leave the house. Again. I'll mail the rent check tomorrow.
